screw them

eh, screw the online world.  for now.  I haven't much felt like writing these past two weeks.  or socializing for that matter. I've shocked myself by turning into a tight-jawed mindless laborer, attending to box after box, methodically folding sweatshirts and tossing unwanted clothes in a pile for goodwill, pulling out shampoo bottles and arranging them neatly in a cabinet.  I thought I would have so much trouble unpacking but it's almost done and almost everything has a place!  there's this incessant urge to get it done, keep at it, even if I'm out at stew leonard's with mom or at home (my parents house will always be "home") relaxing on the couch getting a foot rub.

then there's dad, dying away.  Two weeks ago he was walking three miles a day, rather tight-jawed himself, but with a droop to his gait and hollow eyes.  Then he "pulled something," or the cancer growing into the bone near his pelvis is finally beginning to affect him, we don't know which one.  I'm inclined to think it's because he turned into a walking fiend after the diagnosis and, walking like 1000 miles in 2 months, probably DID tear something.  but being medical and a dire skeptic, I think that's a generous assessment and he's really just gonna get worse and worse, and worse.  at least there are pain meds!  then pain patches, then intravenous pain management!  and at least dad is an upper middle class government employee with damn good health insurance.  too bad the prevailing medical establishment doesn't know how to treat cancer.

I mean, treating cancer shouldn't really be the goal of all these anti-cancer groups.  preventing it should be.  everyone's getting cancer these days and still no cure in sight.  how about we protest more often high-fructose corn syrup and blue #40 lake and sodium laureth sulfate going into things we ingest and smear on our privy parts by writing to companies and complaining to stores that stock products containing these ingredients.  tell your congressman!

it's 4 am and I still feel that urge to do, organize, sort, clean.  make everything easy and everything in its right place.  I want to go sleepless until that urge is gone; it drives my appetite away, it imprisons my imagination in a loop of anticipation.  I think to myself, I know I can get through anything.  I just wish I could do it at my leisure, with confidence.