I have such grand writing ambitions...when I'm not sitting in front of my laptop. the necessity of trying to come up with an "ending" to blog entries that, like a song, end on the same note, can be overwhelming. I also miss physically writing. physical writing is visceral (what a great word). staring at my laptop, or excitedly pounding out words without stopping to be distracted a second later by red squiggles is...well, visceral it ain't. everything is much faster nowadays compared to ancient times, like before the internet. I am no exception (though living in the northeast all my life certainly helped). when people even talk slowly it annoys the hell out of me. blogging is faster and more organized. I am grateful for the convenience, and I do enjoy it. but as mama always says, there's a time for everything. I miss the supreme tangibility of journaling. blogging feels like a different activity altogether.
this would be such a nice time to say, well, I've decided to go back to writing in a journal. bye world. I don't want to stop blogging. it'd be a decent solution to keep a pencil journal on the side, too, since I miss writing implements so much. yeah, I would write every day and probably take pictures! but! I am lazy. sooo lazy. writing takes time and effort and I just haven't wanted to put it in lately. I work so hard, I do so much, I tell myself.
how do I fill my days so full? I've only been working once or twice a month. every week or so erin and cheryl visit for a day. I change the cat box and vacuum 3 days a week for 20 minutes. I do my insanity workout 6 days a week for approximately 40 minutes. So where do the rest of my __ hours go? (I would do the math but I know it's a massive number so why bother). I don't even have time, I tell myself, to check my voicemail. how am I supposed to get a full-time job come january?
laziness is pernicious. but there's a time for everything, and now is the time to be lazy. my friend krystle and I used to yell at each other, "we've been working all our lives!" as if 13 years of constant employment isn't what most people our age endure if they're not lucky enough to have college and grad school paid for (and then some might argue who's lucky, when the loans come due). I have a degree, I have potential in the job market, but I don't have kids, a house, or even a very nice car. no one to answer to as long as the rent's paid. a job where I can work whenever I want, for as many hours as I want (and I don't ever want to work more than just seldom)! of course I'm going to feel crummy and guilty sometimes. it's human nature to create and work and be productive most of the time, and that usually translates here as "full time job."
I'm afraid of a job because I'm afraid I'm not going to feel productive enough, that I'm creating enough, in whatever job I find. but besides the point. this is my time, a time I intend to wistfully look back on. these are the golden months: every day a drop of honey. the minutes while away and I don't remember precisely what filled them, only a happy warmth, dull and comforting and secure as a dream.
11 years ago
