I've been in jersey the past four days taking my emt refresher and working a few crappy shifts at the wood. after it was through I realized the refresher was not at all necessary, and was rather a waste of time, even though I'm not going to think about it like that because I firmly believe in everything happening for a reason and no regrets, etc; it was a small class, intimate and kinda fun, and even after almost a decade of being an emt I learned a few new things, like that normal adults produce 10 ccs of cerebral spinal fluid an hour, and that one out of seven people have no palpable pedal pulse. which is gonna make me even more paranoid next time i get a trauma with leg involvement and there's no pedal pulse. "is he one of the seven??" I'll be thinking desperately while forgetting about c-spine or splinting.
anyway, my last emt shift was today, a hospital-sponsored lupus walk at rutgers stadium. when we got there at 10 it was nearly underway. the day was bright and the air had the sharp taste that burns your nose breathing in. there were bagels and bananas and bottles of cold water and a 5-piece horn ensemble that played, strangely, "what's my age again" and "crazy train." I bounced around with my camera taking pictures of the stadium and nearly got run over by some crazy student on a motorcycle taking a shortcut through the parking lot. I realized for the first time rutgers was a beautiful campus (for new jersey anyway) and there was a lot there I probably should have taken advantage of.
the walk was pretty much over by 1130 and no one came to tell us we were clear, which didn't surprise me much since I'd gotten the general impression the whole thing had been organized by a bunch of dumb fluttery ladies and no one really knew what was going on. we stayed a good two stubborn extra hours in the ambulance, declaring every so often that we better get paid until 3 since that's when the race had been supposed to end. my partner played game after game on his $1000 ipad while extolling their merits. "this one will really test your limits! it's called kitchen sink. you have to let the rotten food go down but stop the diamond rings and gold earrings. it gets so fast paced!!" I wondered if the hospital would ever hire again anyone who liked to read or could carry on intelligent conversation.
the day dragged on. I was assigned to another truck and took an old man who'd almost-fainted to the er. in the back of the ambulance I looked at my foggy reflection in the shelf doors and felt sorry for myself. I imagined that I saw more wrinkles than ever before. I looked out the window at the same sidewalk, the same doctor's office sign, the same chipped-paint fire hydrant I'd been looking at for the past 8 years. how much has changed, I thought. yet here I am still in this same place doing the same thing. am I still growing and learning?
it was a let down of a day in a let down of a place. my whole four days here has been a let down, not in a disappointing way but in a ghastly dull way. I spent 8 years in this state and I can't stand the place. I can't stand the people. I can't stand the traffic lights every two minutes. the almost complete absence of autumn cements it. here and there on the borders of the highway a tree jammed into a cement crack shakes its sickly leaves. if traffic isn't bad on the bridge and I turn my head for a full second I can see a wave of dark dirty forest lurching up out of the raritan river, muddy leaves and bare stick branches. I left nj a litle more than three weeks ago and being back here for four days already makes me feel weary and desperate.
next time I come back I am at least going bowling. I don't think I'll stay working at the wood much longer. in a lot of ways it's a great place to work and I get the sad sense that to finally put in my notice is to give up so much opportunity--the benefits! the networking! the free medic school sponsorship! the pay, even (which is why I haven't put in my notice quite yet). working there now, wearing that uniform, I feel awkward and slightly ashamed. there is no future there for me. I am tired of the hierarchy and brazen ignorant sneer of the medical field.
I go home tomorrow and monday will fax paperwork to ct state oems so they can certify me as an emt in ct. I'll apply for a per diem spot at a hospital, but I am through doing it full time for money. it'll be nice to be an emt for fun instead of a paycheck, and I'll make friends. in the meantime I will prepare myself for a sales job. and also keep trying to become a housewife or win the lottery.
good luck to me!
anyway, my last emt shift was today, a hospital-sponsored lupus walk at rutgers stadium. when we got there at 10 it was nearly underway. the day was bright and the air had the sharp taste that burns your nose breathing in. there were bagels and bananas and bottles of cold water and a 5-piece horn ensemble that played, strangely, "what's my age again" and "crazy train." I bounced around with my camera taking pictures of the stadium and nearly got run over by some crazy student on a motorcycle taking a shortcut through the parking lot. I realized for the first time rutgers was a beautiful campus (for new jersey anyway) and there was a lot there I probably should have taken advantage of.
the walk was pretty much over by 1130 and no one came to tell us we were clear, which didn't surprise me much since I'd gotten the general impression the whole thing had been organized by a bunch of dumb fluttery ladies and no one really knew what was going on. we stayed a good two stubborn extra hours in the ambulance, declaring every so often that we better get paid until 3 since that's when the race had been supposed to end. my partner played game after game on his $1000 ipad while extolling their merits. "this one will really test your limits! it's called kitchen sink. you have to let the rotten food go down but stop the diamond rings and gold earrings. it gets so fast paced!!" I wondered if the hospital would ever hire again anyone who liked to read or could carry on intelligent conversation.
the day dragged on. I was assigned to another truck and took an old man who'd almost-fainted to the er. in the back of the ambulance I looked at my foggy reflection in the shelf doors and felt sorry for myself. I imagined that I saw more wrinkles than ever before. I looked out the window at the same sidewalk, the same doctor's office sign, the same chipped-paint fire hydrant I'd been looking at for the past 8 years. how much has changed, I thought. yet here I am still in this same place doing the same thing. am I still growing and learning?
it was a let down of a day in a let down of a place. my whole four days here has been a let down, not in a disappointing way but in a ghastly dull way. I spent 8 years in this state and I can't stand the place. I can't stand the people. I can't stand the traffic lights every two minutes. the almost complete absence of autumn cements it. here and there on the borders of the highway a tree jammed into a cement crack shakes its sickly leaves. if traffic isn't bad on the bridge and I turn my head for a full second I can see a wave of dark dirty forest lurching up out of the raritan river, muddy leaves and bare stick branches. I left nj a litle more than three weeks ago and being back here for four days already makes me feel weary and desperate.
next time I come back I am at least going bowling. I don't think I'll stay working at the wood much longer. in a lot of ways it's a great place to work and I get the sad sense that to finally put in my notice is to give up so much opportunity--the benefits! the networking! the free medic school sponsorship! the pay, even (which is why I haven't put in my notice quite yet). working there now, wearing that uniform, I feel awkward and slightly ashamed. there is no future there for me. I am tired of the hierarchy and brazen ignorant sneer of the medical field.
I go home tomorrow and monday will fax paperwork to ct state oems so they can certify me as an emt in ct. I'll apply for a per diem spot at a hospital, but I am through doing it full time for money. it'll be nice to be an emt for fun instead of a paycheck, and I'll make friends. in the meantime I will prepare myself for a sales job. and also keep trying to become a housewife or win the lottery.
good luck to me!
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